Category Archives: Independence

Teach me to share my baby!

Let’s go back to the beginning;to the moment when I held my baby for the very first time when the nurse gently laid my bundle of joy in my arms.  The emotions that overwhelmed me just can not be explained or put into words. My smile and tears spoke the words for me.  Those tiny hands and tiny feet were so delicate and soft.  I was very careful touching their arms and legs trying not to rub to hard. I admired their rosie colored cheeks. I combed back their perfectly placed hair.  It was amazing! It was happiness! I was blessed to experience this twice. First when my son was born and three years after him when my daughter was born.


My family and friends told me to enjoy every minute because time will fly by so quickly. So I did! Kindergarten, high school, dating, graduation, driving, their first job, college, and more dating, then their first love, their first crushing life changing heartbreak, then their first “true love”, and before I knew it I had fast forwarded 20 years! I loved it but I also hated it! I was conflicted with so many emotions just like at their birth but these emotions are so, so different. There’s something very different. Something unfamiliar. Something I’ve not felt before. Something struggling.


Do you remember when your son/daughter was in kindergarten and you taught them to share their toys but it was hard for them to understand because until then, they didn’t have to? It’s that feeling right there, as a mom, no one and I mean no one ever taught “mom” to share “baby”! Sure they said enjoy the time and blah blah blah but I don’t remember ever being told I would one day have to learn to share them. Maybe it’s just me or maybe I didn’t listen or maybe I just didn’t want to share. Whatever, whichever it was, it for sure was a difficult time for me. Here you are with an adult son/daughter and you are no longer the first person they run to and whisper their secrets to or tell you the joke of the day. Here you find yourself feeling left out in a sense because as “mom” you used to talk about their day with them but now they have a true love they run to first.


I’m happy they are in love but at the same time I felt like something was taken from me without permission. No one said I would have to share! It’s such a roller coaster ride. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have always encouraged them to seek after love and when you find it don’t let it go. I preached, “You are the Prize and not the Game” to teach them to value their worth. But whoa, I have to share! This was so not in the manuel! This unfamiliar feeling was something I had to deal with slowly and gently yet I had to do it quickly because I didn’t want to be selfish and controlling or that person that Dr. Phil has on his show because their son/daughter wants them to stay away. I want to be that mom that sits back and when she looks at her son/daughter she says, “Look at what a played a part in developing”! Which is a well rounded man/woman loving with their whole heart.

I want to be that mom that knows because her son/daughter don’t come to her with everything now is because she did raise them to be a great independent man/woman. I taught them to share and they taught me to share.

It makes me proud knowing they love with their whole heart and respect the person they are with enough to put them first!



This house doesn’t seem to want to swallow me up as it did months ago.  I’m actually getting closer to finding me in all this space.  I no longer hide in the master suite upstairs which seemed like a ship so far out that a fog made it impossible to see the lighthouse.  On this ship, prayer become a book I started to read but never finished.  I could start a prayer but soon the words left me and the tears found me.  Looking back now, I realize I didn’t need the words for God to hear my heart and how grateful I am that tears are a language he understands!

Regardless, I hid this struggle,  even from the strongest person looking back at me in the mirror. If she could smile, laugh, sing, or sleep (a lot of sleep), this demon stayed under control.  Oh but it would show its face, especially around the Christmas season because it was my time of the year for reflecting on the past!  The childhood memories, teenage years, rebellious twenties, early marriage years, and the secrets kept for just about everyone in my life.  It drowned me!  It choked me!  It haunted me!  It was destroying me!  It made me angry, a lot!  My empty nest stood in replace of my mirror and like a movie it played. Scene after scene it pulled out ever childhood hurt, dug up ever teenage regret, judged my twenties, displayed marriage mistakes, and repeated everyone’s secrets over and over in my head until the coffin cover blew off and exposed myself to me!

This empty nest that I thought would kill me has actually rescued me. There was nothing left to distract me, keep me busy, to mask my every move.  It forced me to seek God’s help like never before to heal my soul, repair the heart, and to teach me to forgive.  Sure, I won’t forget but should I forget what has caused me to be so strong?  This ship is near the shore now and I am not taking my eye off the lighthouse until my feet stand firmly on shore.  This process of healing only began because of my empty nest.  It is because of great sorrow I now have great strength.  And, how grateful I am for it all!