There’s a whisper in the darkness that overwhelmed me with fear. It called out to me softly, often, only I could hear. I prayed, “Oh, Lord please help me, please!” These flashes of yesterdays are consuming me!
This large family of mine kept me busy, the dramas, birthdays, holidays, barbques, church, gospel music (another day, another blog), all the many many events that kept me so busy, helped me wear a mask. This mask I wore for over 10 yrs had many layers and I wore it well!
My weekend “gospel singing” mask had broken to pieces when I made the choice to really put God first and stop pretending that behind the stage there wasn’t raging chaos. My “keep all secrets” mask was weighing me down so I pushed my family away. My “strong sister” mask fell off when my brother died suddenly 2 weeks before Christmas and a piece of me just died with him. So the hard, thick layers of my mask was thinning.
It wasn’t until a very hurtful argument with one of my siblings that completely broke off my last layer of my mask.
In the roller coaster ride of emotions on the way home with my husband, I tried to pray but words escaped me. I tried to hold back the demon that was forcing his way out. Soon it all came pouring out of me. The many childhood nightmares, the secrets I kept for others, my young single adult life regrets, my anger, my hatred toward those that taught me how to mask. I had to make it to my bed that helped me cover up this monster roaring inside me!
I fell to the floor of my bedroom that knew my demon well. My husband did all he could to comfort me in his arms and hold me up. It was too late, the dark fog was here to stay this time because this time my mask was thinner and I was weak. There was no one hiding!
I, uncontrollably screamed in agony and shouted out what was locked away for so long. Every reason for my anger, hurt, and sleepless nights. This demon of depression stepped in quick before I could backup and tuck it away. It was out there and it was gonna stay. It unveiled my hidden demon, the mask was gone!
The fear of being alone was overwhelming and I was so far from “myself”. My breath was leaving me and I didnt want to wake no more. Sorrow was now my church.
It wasn’t until weeks later and full blown depression had set in, that it started to turn for me. I was laying on my couch, alone and on my last thread of hope, when Pastor Steven Furtick of The Elevation church in NC
sent me a private Facebook message. He said the spirit of God moved him to write me. This was unbelievable that a Pastor of over 17,000 members and miles away, that I only heard of months before because he preached once in my home church, would be moved to save my life and I mean, save my life! His words were right on with what I was feeling and his encouragement was so uplifting! I have since heard all his sermons online.
Through Pastor Furtick’s teaching series such as “Crash the Chatterbox”, I was freed of this demon of depression that was choking my soul and everything around me!
I have begun a jounrney to find myself in this empty nest which if you haven’t figured out yet doesn’t mean an empty home but means my heart, mind, and true self free from the chains of depression.
Please seek help if you are struggling with depression. Depression is not something you can “just get over”. There are many people that wear the same shoes as you do and understand the darkness it locks you in. I know all to well how depression forces you to push friends and family away. You are not alone!