This house doesn’t seem to want to swallow me up as it did months ago. I’m actually getting closer to finding me in all this space. I no longer hide in the master suite upstairs which seemed like a ship so far out that a fog made it impossible to see the lighthouse. On this ship, prayer become a book I started to read but never finished. I could start a prayer but soon the words left me and the tears found me. Looking back now, I realize I didn’t need the words for God to hear my heart and how grateful I am that tears are a language he understands!
Regardless, I hid this struggle, even from the strongest person looking back at me in the mirror. If she could smile, laugh, sing, or sleep (a lot of sleep), this demon stayed under control. Oh but it would show its face, especially around the Christmas season because it was my time of the year for reflecting on the past! The childhood memories, teenage years, rebellious twenties, early marriage years, and the secrets kept for just about everyone in my life. It drowned me! It choked me! It haunted me! It was destroying me! It made me angry, a lot! My empty nest stood in replace of my mirror and like a movie it played. Scene after scene it pulled out ever childhood hurt, dug up ever teenage regret, judged my twenties, displayed marriage mistakes, and repeated everyone’s secrets over and over in my head until the coffin cover blew off and exposed myself to me!
This empty nest that I thought would kill me has actually rescued me. There was nothing left to distract me, keep me busy, to mask my every move. It forced me to seek God’s help like never before to heal my soul, repair the heart, and to teach me to forgive. Sure, I won’t forget but should I forget what has caused me to be so strong? This ship is near the shore now and I am not taking my eye off the lighthouse until my feet stand firmly on shore. This process of healing only began because of my empty nest. It is because of great sorrow I now have great strength. And, how grateful I am for it all!